*would just like to mention all opinions on this topic relate to my personal experience please do not generalise and get annoyed when my intent is to only to talk about my life and no one else*
I lost my mum when I was 7 years old and seeing as I’m now 20 I’ve lived more of my life without her than I have with her, but there is still a big impact on my life from the short time she was around.
I didn’t particularly know her very well as a person, I feel like that’s in part due to the fact that my parents had separated by the time I had any gained the ability to remember stuff and even the stuff I do remember is few and far between and not all of it good. I also think you don’t really know your parents until you grow up a bit and start to actually become interested in their hobbies or life outside of them caring for you. I feel kinda sad that I’m now at the stage where I appreciate the more grown up relationship you can have with family members but won’t get to experience it with those who are no longer here.
However I think I have grieved enough, sure I still cry when I realise what I don’t have or when I visit the grave but i think that’s a natural thing to do whenever you lose someone. I had one session with camhs when i was 15 and they asked if i had grieved enough over my mother and I confidently replied yes because I thought I had and I still feel the same.
When you tell people you’ve lost a parent they also say sorry and how they don’t know how they could live if they lost theirs. But I was so young that it had a lower level of impact than if it had happened when I was older.
Instead, now I’m grateful for what I do have in my life. Amazed at the hard work my dad did raising me and my brother as a single father while in full time employment so we could have such a wonderful childhood that I will always remember fondly. I’m happy to have surrounded myself with wonderful open women who I can get advice from.
I also think that if I did have the perfect mother, the one who didn’t unfortunately have many mental health difficulties I wouldn’t have chosen the career path I’m currently one. I want to make a difference as a mental health nurse while honouring the maternal influence I never truly had. It’s enabled me to be more empathetic and kind and probably made me seriously understand death a lot earlier on than most.
So appreciate all the people in your life and understand that some of your decision can be done despite the hard difficulties you’ve faced not always because of it.